An confession of an enemy

Hello, Bleachbooru.
I came here to maybe, speak out what i wanted to, just to talk and simply try to be better.
Im not gonna hold it an secret, I was an blacked lover, but that love only fucking ruined both my mood and feelings.
I wanted to quit, yet everysingle time i was coming right back because of the addiction i got. And its not the typical "omg im such a bbc slut, i want more" type shit, its more of an "i dont want to do this... Why only this turns me on now? Why i cant controll my self?" I tried talking about it on blackedbooru, but the thing i got is only bad words to my name and no answer whats-so-ever.
An confession of an enemy, i call it because I am literally what you guys oppose, typical blacked faggot, seriously im not even sad because of it, because i simply accept it. I am surely is an faggot and retarded. I tried to quit, many times, yet everysingle time i came back, even damn stopping masturbating did nothing, after sometime i would again and again get on that fucking shitty blacked site. And im fucking tired, i want this shit to end, just like many want, yet they fucking never try, even I never tried enough.
Its just lust, simple fucking feelings of what? Humiliation? I never felt humiliated stroking to that shit. I felt simply bad, the taste is good, but the after taste is like shit in your mouth, i never felt this shitty in my entire life, my younger self would be so fucking dissapointed in me. And i say it clear, that damn blacked aint making shit worldwide. Once porn addicts realize what they are doing, once they realize how fucking stupid they are, they will leave. And i hope so.
Im an white guy, maybe not really muscular, nor fat, nor skinny. Im just me, and all i got is fucking worst shit imaginable. If i truly could change one thing from my past, that would totally be the time i first stroked it to gay porn maybe? Because after that it went downwards. I felt love towards women, the gay porn just became an thing that appeared from time to time, but then I started imagining how i am the one getting fucked, and it went so fucking worse from there. I hated it, even though i liked it for some time, i hated it afterwards, yet still i came back. And then i found blacked and then... All this.
I hate my self, i just want to change, yet nothing seem to work. Everysingle time i once more relapse I started cutting my self, or punching my self. Cuts werent wrist part, they were on higher arms, even chest and legs, but those cuts werent anything serious. But punches? I just fucking punched my self like some autistic retard
All i ever wanted is to give up on those thoughts, just straight up kill my self so i would never think of lust. Maybe there is an afterlife? And maybe God someday will appear in my life? Who knows.
But from today? I dont know how the tomorrow will be, yet I have hope, that one day I will truly change, i will truly fucking kill past me, but my stupid head makes me remember old things, old masturbations. I have good memory and this is a fucking curse, i cant forget about the things i remembered, i cant forget about that fucking porn, i cant forget about those fucking blacked arts and forum posts. And no one can truly understand how much I HATE blacked and lust, i fucking want those who continue living in that sin, to fucking die, fucking die and decompose and maybe in soil their body will be helpful. And this porn industry, filled with fucking worthless time waste, i fucking hope syphilis, to each one of these fuckers to die without loved ones, and to each sissy faggot that cant stop yapping about blacked i fucking hope they will get infection from their chastity cages, and each bitch that is into interracial to be a fucking single mother.
What i wish to my self? Being honest, all i even wanted is to cut off my dick, forever cut off my pleasure. And not in a way those faggots on twitter do, locking them selfs in shitty chastities, i straight up want to forever stop feeling pleasure, both normal and anal. I dont deserve feeling good, because im tired. Because i know how i feel this pleasure and from where i get this pleasure. I want to die, just want to die because i dont see any escape, i dont see any exit. All I fucking wanted is to go back in time and never make me feel it to begin with. And if God truly exists, in whatever form he truly is, i fucking hope the deepest pits of hell will be filled with those who lusted over body.

I dont think someone will ever read this shit. But if you did? Thanks. And im sorry if i ruined someones mood because of it. I just had to confess it somewhere. And maybe here? It will be recieved with open arms.

Man, real awful shit. Did you try to visit psychiatrist? Maybe you have some mental sickness, like depression, which leads you to selfhumilation.

I've been in rehab for behavioural issues in 2018. While I was in there, I got in touch with others like me, as well as addicts. Alcohol, hard drugs, sex, porn, didn't matter. An addict is an addict and you need to understand a few things:

- Admitting you have a problem is step one, which you are very bravely doing. This is commonly coupled with self-loathing and depressive thoughts, but you're reaching out and that takes more courage than you know.
- You're not a bad person. All of us are flawed, and you clearly want to improve. It'll be hard, but the alternative is getting worse and eventually dying. This is what addiction does. It takes, takes and takes until the last thing you have left to give is your life itself.
- Help is available, and you deserve it. Not need, deserve. You've spent a lot of time hating yourself, it's time you start building up some self-love again, so your younger self can smile at the man you've become after overcoming serious hardship.

People on this insane asylum of a forum will hit you with everything in the book. ''It's da joos'' ''blacked uhhh global conspiracy uhhh ????? bad'' ignore them. These people are lost in the sauce and don't deserve to be listened to. I say this because diverting your addiction to a different avenue (in this case, bleached) would not make you feel better. It would only set you up for further harm down the line.

If you're currently in direct danger of harming yourself, this site will help you find a helpline to find someone that is willing to listen. You deserve to live.

For your addictive tendencies, here you can find some basic resources for dealing with porn addiction. A few specific online support groups dedicated to SLAA and pornography addicts can be found here, here and here.

You're no one's enemy here. You're a human being in distress and you deserve to get through this.

Take it easy, reach out for help with family or other loved ones. One day at a time.

Hey, i just want to say that i could relate to everything you just wrote, (well my self-harm was for a different reason) and it's painful to see how similar our experiences are. I know how it feels, it's like you're stuck in a room in hell with your name on it, and no one cares how much you suffer, those who do try to help you don't understand how vicious and tricky being addicted to blacked porn is, so they give you the typical 'just quit porn' advice. It's not bad advice but it's naive in way, because they don't realize how insidious this type of addiction is. And how the current culture and politics offers fertile ground for this fetish to grow on. It goes beyond just porn, it really feels a lot like psychological warfare is being waged upon you, especially demoralizing when you see the amount of people defending this blacked/qos porn on social media. And at one point I reached that same terrible state that you found yourself in, after years and years of silent torture (by my own hands, this is the fucked up part), kind of giving up hope on ever getting better and starting to wonder if there will truly ever be some kind of salvation, for the first time i actually started to become more spiritual and contemplate the afterlife. This really only scratches the surface on my experience with this shit.

Personally, i've made quite a bit of progress in curing my addiction and healing my mind from all the insanity, but i still feel like it's somewhere deep down inside of me, and frankly i don't know if i will ever get rid of it entirely. It was a long process with a lot of trial and error, a lot of research done on my own, and making use of every available whitepill found in pro-white online communities, and of course, finding some refuge in bleached porn and this site. It's what kept me afloat so far.

I hope you stay safe, I know how hard it is, and you're no alone. I don't think you should call yourself 'an enemy', and while some people here might not be interested in hearing about blacked and the problems of people like us, i think some other users will relate to your confession.

Porn addiction is a real problem, glad you are admiting it to yourself. Honestly the more I read about and the more I talk and see the confessions of others, the more it's clear to me that the fetish of "blacked" (and the "gooning" community) is largely about self destruction. It is incredibly insidious. That is most likely why you won't get help in those communities cuz at the end of the day your "selfdestruction" is what these people get off on. Its all about how vile and extreme you can get, and how they can "corrupt others" its a black hole of addicts pushing people further down. But you already have taken the first step in getting out

BlutWieEisen has it right (I say this as one of the insane chuds he is warning you about) , you are not our enemy and you are not a bad person. I wish you the best in your recovery but also don't hang out here thinking that bleached will save you.
Porn got you into it and I find it extremely hard to think that porn will get you out of it. Blacked also gets referenced here a little bit more than id like it to be so that might also be a trigger point for relapse.

Due to the sensitive nature of this post I'm pre emptively locking it to avoid derailment. Blut has posted a wealth of resources and if you take anything from this thread, OP then let it be his post.